Writing has and always will be a therapeutic way for me to deal with stuff. Mom stuff, life stuff and just general stuff that happens. The problem comes in when I stop writing and you may have noticed I have not done so for a while. Enter Confusion
Right now I am more confused than a budgie that got caught in a snow storm..wtf??? Which way is up and which way is down? Or in my case, what is the right route to take. My heart says one thing and my brain says another and so we have gotten to the Confusion Crossroads…oh joy! Why can life not be more simple? Boy meets girl, they fall in love the end. Now adays dating is so bloody confusing and if you have a kid add another whole ball game to the sphere. Lord have mercy! I don’t need a man, I want a man and that is a very big difference! I can be full of shit and demanding, I admit to that, I don’t deny it for a minute but falling for someone now adays can hurt like a thousand needles in one’s bum….aka Confusion. The Stubborn Abbi is up in arms, the Love Child Abbi is in the cupboard crying, the Warrior Abbi is ready to prove herself and the Sensitive Abbi has taken over and we fear for our sanity!
The thing is relationships are always going to have their ups and downs. There is no perfect relationship and anyone that says there is has their heads in the clouds and need to come back to earth. One thing a relationship needs is communication and without it well you might as well pack up shop. This refers to any kind of relationship be it friendship or love. Both people need to fight for the other, can’t have one doing all the work. I admit, since getting divorced I am a Runner and a Pusher. A Runner is someone that has very high and strong walls around their hearts. Shit gets too real and on comes the takkies and we are outta there in a dust cloud. Relationship done, alt control delete goodbye. A Pusher is reformed Runner that now and then pushes the other person away to see if they will come back or fight for you when they get too close. Everyone else left so what makes this one so different? I “may” have a few commitment issues….just putting it out there…..But strangely this time I did get freaked out and gave the shoes a little wash and “may” have pushed a few times but I stayed. That in itself scared the crap out of me because I do not get close to guys in that way. Friends yes but dating or relationships of any love kind, oh no honey, bly weg! I don’t want a Prince Charming or Mr Right on a horse coming to save me. In the beginning when I did start to panic, a friend said take a chance, you never know and so I did. Seems the last push pushed too far and now I am back in the dating pool…God help us! I’ve been very hurt, angry and miserable the past few days but since writing this, I’ve realized that a lot of the confusion is directed at myself. How did I let a man get so close, I’ve never done that before? The walls will now be built so high that the Eiffel Tower will look like an ant!
And in comes Confusion! Once you have broken down concrete walls, how do you build them up again? Once you have shown someone the inside of you that you never let any other man see, not even your ex-husband, how the hell do you fix it? Unfortunately for some I am not one of those women that look for the nearest “warm lyfie” to fix the hole as I feel you end up hurting yourself more. I hate the saying “Time heals all wounds”..I’m too impatient for that, I want it now but that my dear friends is also a fairytale. Worst is, I miss him, our silly random conversations and play fighting. And so I will live with the confusion, build the wall brick by brick with the strongest form of concrete possible and no man will ever see that part of me again. It will remain mine and I refuse to show it to anyone (Stubborn Abbi is back). Do I still believe in hope? Ask me at a later stage because right now the jury is out on that one.