Dear newly divorced single mom

If your heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces, your hair looks like you haven’t washed it in a month, your eyes look like those of a goldfish from crying and a fairy stole half of the chocolate slab that was meant to be for a friends present, don’t worry, you are not alone.

Divorce is not an easy thing! There are going to be times when you feel like digging a hole and staying down there and others when you are going to feel angry. Or happy. Or ecstatic and then the whole bloody circle starts again. And all that before lunch. Like I said, you are not alone. You will learn to hate the sentence “Time heals all wounds” and feel like you need to put your biggest fake smile on.

But you know what, that’s ok. The most important lessons I learnt is that “It’s ok”. It’s ok to feel scared and wonder how you are going to cope through this let alone raise a child/children. It’s ok to realise that there isn’t another salary to help. It’s ok when women you have known when you were a couple start to shun you as if you are now going to take their men.  Feel upset, be angry and realise that its not you that they fear but their own relationships. When you see people that don’t know you are divorced, expect them to ask how your ex was and expect an awkward silence for a minute or two. They will be more embarrassed than you will be.  Yes you are going to feel embarrassed at times and for your own sanity sake, don’t go to any weddings within a month of divorce!

Its going to be hard when you go to events with your kids and your ex is not there, understand that they are also going to take time to adapt to this adjustment. In the first few months after my divorce, my daughter really struggled to deal with that but I kept reminding her that she was amazing. And in the end, that was ok too. The first weekend that your child goes to your ex is going to be hell. You will be at a loss of what to do with yourself and worry if your baby is ok. Do yourself a favour, get your girlfriends together, a bottle of wine or a movie but don’t be alone this time. Keep yourself busy or you will feel worse. I nearly decapitated a sales person in a shoe shop when I threw a boot clear across the shop after speaking to my daughter the first time she went to my ex and I heard some “interesting news”.

Your children are going to be just as confused as you are and as much as it is going to hurt, put your chin up, straighten your back and do what you need to do to get yourself and your child/children through this. I was a “slight wreck” after my divorce! My daughter, 2 at the time came to me while I was crying on the phone to a friend and said “Mommy why are you crying, can I get a plaster to make the eina better like you do for me when I have eina”? And that my dear friend, changed everything for me. If they are little they don’t understand and at night if they cry for their daddies, sister you find a way to make that pain less be it through looking at old photos or playing them an old voice recording. Make. A. Plan.

Remember this: you are still amazing, beautiful and a wonderful person. Your relationship didn’t work out. That doesn’t mean you are a failure and if you are reading this and thinking “What does she know?” I’ve been there and had to work to find who I was as a single mom and a single woman and it didn’t happen overnight! Speak to your friends as much as you can, rant, rave and remember that no feeling that you have is unjustified but please don’t put homicidal plans involving your ex into action. The pain you feel now will get better as you deal with it and work through your emotions. Trust me, time heals all wounds!

Most importantly remember this: “It’s ok”

 

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